Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing!

Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged

I was at the beach with my family, building an epic sandcastle with moats, towers, and a big flag on top. As we were finishing up, a strong gust of wind came by and knocked over our masterpiece. My kids were really upset, but I just smiled and told them

don't worry, it's just a grain of sand off our backs!

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.