Dad Joke Archive

Why did the baker stop making bagels?

He kneaded a break.

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything!

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn't see himself doing it.

What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time!

I tried to catch some fog earlier, but I mist.

I was sorting through the shoes in my closet the other day, trying to decide which ones to keep. I picked up an old pair of sneakers, and the bottom was completely worn out, with a huge hole.

I guess they just lost their *sole*.

Why don't secrets last long in a garden?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was two-tired!

Why did the tomato turn red?

Because it saw the salad dressing!

My pencil broke, so I had to write it off.

I was out in the garden this morning, trying to pull up all those pesky weeds that have taken over the flowerbeds. It felt like a never-ending battle.

I finally had to tell them to just leaf me alone.

I was at the grocery store this morning, looking for some ingredients for dinner. I needed some mushrooms for the stir-fry, and I spotted a huge pile of them in the produce section.

I thought to myself, 'These look like a lot of fun-guys!'

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

It was just gathering dust.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Because it wasn't peeling well!

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

I spent an hour this morning trying to fix that leaky faucet in the bathroom. I tightened all the nuts and even replaced a washer, but it's still dripping.

I guess it just doesn't know how to pipe down.