🏆 Best Dad Jokes of All Time

What is blue but does not weigh very much?

Light Blue

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

I went to the bakery and saw a pie with a face on it

It was a pie-oneer in facial recognition

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

I went to the beach and saw a crab playing a guitar.

I guess you could say it was a shell of a musician.

My daughter was doing her homework and came to me complaining. She said her pencil wasn't working and she couldn't write anything.

I told her, 'Well, if it's not working, it sounds like it's pointless!'

I'm trying to start a band, but it's a treble-making process.

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger...

...then it hit me.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

I was feeling pretty sleepy this morning after staying up late last night. My son asked me why I looked so tired as I was pouring my coffee.

I told him, 'I guess I'm just feeling a little *depresso*!'

I went to the orchard and saw an apple tree with a ladder leaning against it.

I guess it wanted to take its fruit to a higher level.

I told my wife I was going to make a belt out of bread dough.

She said, "That's a waist of good bread!"

I took my cat to the vet, and they said it was having some vision problems.

I guess you could say it was having a paws-itive correlation between its eyesight and its purr-manent blindness.

So I was at the beach with my kids, and we saw a guy selling shells. He had all sorts of shells, from big conch shells to tiny clam shells. My kid asked him how he managed to collect so many

and he said it was a shell of a job!

Why did the calendar get invited to all the parties?

Because it had so many dates!

I spent an hour this morning trying to fix that leaky faucet in the bathroom. I tightened all the nuts and even replaced a washer, but it's still dripping.

I guess it just doesn't know how to pipe down.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh!

Your mom asked me to whip up some eggs for breakfast this morning, but I couldn't find the whisk anywhere. I looked in every drawer and cupboard, but it was nowhere to be seen.

I guess you could say I was at my *wits* end.

I tried to catch some fog earlier, but I mist.

I went to the cheese shop today to pick up some fancy cheddar for our dinner party. They had so many different kinds of cheese, it was hard to choose just one.

It was a really gouda experience.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

I was helping your mom fold laundry the other day, and I noticed this one sock that had lost its partner. It just sat there, all by itself in the basket.

I guess it was feeling a bit sock-lonely.

What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged!

I was helping our neighbor fix their fence today, nailing boards and making sure it was sturdy. It was a lot of hard work out in the sun, really building up a sweat.

But honestly, I wasn't really *board* at all.

What do you call a grape that complains all the time?

A whine.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn't see himself doing it.

So I was wrestling with my computer all morning, trying to get it to work properly. It kept freezing up and being incredibly slow, really testing my patience.

I finally decided to just give it a *byte* of my mind.

I bought a new vacuum cleaner today — it really sucks.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

So, I was at the airport today, picking up your cousin from his flight. I saw all these big airplanes landing and taking off, carrying people all over the world.

It really made me want to travel. I guess I'm ready to 'plane' my next vacation.

What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time.

Why did the tomato turn red?

Because it saw the salad dressing!

So, I went to the library this afternoon, looking for a book on anti-gravity. I spent a long time searching through all the science shelves and even asked the librarian for some help.

But I just couldn't put it down.

So, I was trying to order a pizza last night, but the delivery driver kept getting lost on the way. He called me three times asking for directions to my house.

I guess he just couldn't pizza together the route.

Why don't secrets last long in a garden?

Because the potatoes have eyes, and the corn has ears!

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

I was driving home today and saw a car pulled over on the side of the road with a flat tire. I felt bad for the driver, it looked like they were really stressed out trying to change it.

I guess they were having a *tire-ing* day.

So, I was thinking about taking up a new hobby, maybe learning to play an instrument. I looked at guitars, pianos, even a saxophone.

But I decided against it. I didn't want to get into treble.

I was trying to help your mom put together this new coffee table she bought online. It had a ton of screws and diagrams, and I spent ages trying to figure out which piece went where.

It was a real *table* of contents.

I tried to draw a picture of a pencil, but I couldn't find the point.

I tried to write a pun about a pencil, but it was pointless.

I tried to write a joke about a door...

but it was ajar.

I decided to get a job at the bakery.

I figured I kneaded the dough.

I was trying to help your mom put together this new bookshelf she bought online. The instructions were really complicated, and it had about a million little pieces.

After an hour of struggling, she threw her hands up and said, 'I just can't make sense of it!' I said, 'Well, honey, sometimes you just have to *shelf* your frustrations for a bit and try again!'

I went to a seafood disco last night.

I pulled a mussel.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.