🏆 Best Dad Jokes of All Time

What is blue but does not weigh very much?

Light Blue

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

I went to the bakery and saw a pie with a face on it

It was a pie-oneer in facial recognition

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

I went to the beach and saw a crab playing a guitar.

I guess you could say it was a shell of a musician.

My daughter was doing her homework and came to me complaining. She said her pencil wasn't working and she couldn't write anything.

I told her, 'Well, if it's not working, it sounds like it's pointless!'

I'm trying to start a band, but it's a treble-making process.

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger...

...then it hit me.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

I was feeling pretty sleepy this morning after staying up late last night. My son asked me why I looked so tired as I was pouring my coffee.

I told him, 'I guess I'm just feeling a little *depresso*!'

I went to the orchard and saw an apple tree with a ladder leaning against it.

I guess it wanted to take its fruit to a higher level.

I told my wife I was going to make a belt out of bread dough.

She said, "That's a waist of good bread!"

I took my cat to the vet, and they said it was having some vision problems.

I guess you could say it was having a paws-itive correlation between its eyesight and its purr-manent blindness.

So I was at the beach with my kids, and we saw a guy selling shells. He had all sorts of shells, from big conch shells to tiny clam shells. My kid asked him how he managed to collect so many

and he said it was a shell of a job!

Why did the calendar get invited to all the parties?

Because it had so many dates!

I took my kids to the bakery and we saw a big sign that said they were having a sale on bread

It was a loaf of deals

So I was out in the garden trying to plant some new flowers today. I accidentally dug up a whole bunch of old potatoes that had been left in the ground from last year.

I guess you could say it was a real 'spud' awakening!

My computer was acting up the other day, and I was getting pretty frustrated with how slow it was running. I called my friend who's a computer expert to see if he could help me figure out what was wrong with it.

He told me it was probably just having a bad byte.

So I was helping my kids with their homework and we were learning about different types of clouds, like cumulus and stratus. My son asked me if all clouds were good at hiding things. I thought for a moment and then said

they're great at covering their bases!

I'm addicted to placebos — I could quit, but it wouldn't make a difference.

I took my kids to the orchard to pick some apples, and we met a farmer who was known for his cleverness.

He was the core of the operation.

So I was watching a nature show with the kids about different kinds of trees, and we saw some really tall ones. My daughter asked me if all trees were good at remembering things.

I told her, 'No, only the ones with good mem-oaks!'

So I was at the beach with my family, and we saw a man selling seashells. He had all sorts of shells in different shapes and sizes, and my kids were fascinated by them. The vendor told us that he had been collecting them for years and had become quite the expert

at shell-ing out advice

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

So I was at the coffee shop with my kids, and we noticed that the barista was having a hard time keeping up with all the orders. She was moving around quickly, but still seemed a bit frazzled. I asked her if she was feeling a little

buzzed

I took my kids to the aquarium and we saw a huge tank filled with all sorts of fish, including some beautiful goldfish. The kids were amazed by how fast they could swim and how colorful they were. One of the aquarium staff started telling us about the different types of fish and their unique characteristics

and I guess you could say they were having a 'reel' good time explaining it all to us

I was trying to get my kids to eat more vegetables, so I took them to the garden to show them where they come from.

Now they're rooted in their refusal to eat them.

My son was reading a book about volcanoes, and he came across a really interesting fact about how they erupt. He asked me if I knew how volcanoes tell secrets.

I told him they usually 'lava' to tell the truth.

I took my kids to the bakery and saw a big tray of donuts

I guess you could say they were hole lot of trouble to resist

I'm trying to start a garden, but it's a growing concern.

What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time.

So I was at the library with my kids, and we stumbled upon a book about dolphins. The author was giving a presentation, and my kids were amazed by the intelligence of these creatures. The author told us that dolphins are known to communicate with each other using a variety of clicks and whistles, which got me thinking

I guess you could say they have a whale of a language

I tried to write a pun about a broken pencil, but it was pointless.

I'm shell-shocked by how much I spent on seashells at the beach today

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

I told my wife she was going to be a great musician, but she didn't believe me.

I guess you could say she was a little off-beat.

Why did the cat join a band?

Because it wanted to be the purr-cussionist

Why did the music teacher need a ladder?

To reach the high notes.

I'm trying to start a career in welding, but it's not a glowing review yet.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato!

So I was at the beach with my family, and we saw a man selling seashells. He had all sorts of shells in different shapes and sizes, and my kids were fascinated by them. The vendor told us that he had been collecting them for years and had become quite the expert

I guess you could say he was a shell of a man with a lot of knowledge

I'm trying to start a garden, but it's a growing concern.

I decided to take my kids to the air show, and as we were watching the planes fly by, one of them asked me how pilots learn to navigate through the clouds. I told them it's all about getting a little

fog-getful of their surroundings

So I was at the park with my kids, and we saw a guy playing fetch with his dog, but the dog wasn't bringing the ball back. Instead, it was just running around in circles, looking really confused. The owner was getting frustrated, so I decided to ask him what was wrong

and he said his dog was paws-itive it was a fetch-failure

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fun-gi

I bought a bunch of bananas at the store yesterday, but when I got home, I noticed one of them looked really sad and bruised. It was practically falling apart.

I guess it was feeling un-peel-y.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged!

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down

I told my wife she was going to start a tree-mendous gardening career

but she just wanted to branch out and try something new