I've been reading a lot of self-help books to improve my mental health

Now I have a lot of feelings and a significant amount of overdue library fines

My therapist asked me what my biggest fantasy was.

I told her: a 40-hour work week.

I’m saving up for a house.

I just realized my 'down payment fund' could maybe buy a really nice refrigerator.

My company said 'we're a family here,'

which explains why they treat me like the broke cousin who always has to pick up the check.