My mom keeps telling me to 'just buy a starter home.'

I told her the only starter home I can afford is the one in Monopoly.

I asked my boomer dad for advice on buying a house

He said 'just work harder and cut back on avocado toast', I said 'dad, I'm a freelance writer, my only income is from avocado toast reviews'

I'm thinking about starting a family.

But then I remember climate change, and I just buy another houseplant.

I suggested replacing our daily stand-up meeting with a simple email update, but my manager said

that wouldn't be 'collaborative' – code for 'I like hearing myself talk'.