Our company motto is 'we're a family here',

which is why I'm starting to think my actual family is also just looking for ways to downsize me.

I've been doing the work in therapy to recognize my emotional triggers

now I can identify the exact moment I'm about to send a drunk text

I asked my boomer friend for investment advice

He told me to buy a house, I told him I'd rather buy a Lambo, at least then I'd have a vehicle to sleep in

I suggested replacing our daily stand-up meeting with a simple email update,

but my manager said that would undermine the 'synergy' we create by all staring at each other in silence for 15 minutes.