My therapist told me I need healthier coping mechanisms.

So I started doom-scrolling for articles about healthy coping mechanisms.

My boss scheduled a 'wellness check-in' meeting,

and I nearly had a stress attack just putting it on my calendar.

I'm at the point where I'm considering a 30-year mortgage

which is also the expected lifespan of my avocado toast-fueled liver

I suggested replacing our daily stand-up meeting with a simple email update, but my manager said

that wouldn't be 'collaborative' – code for 'I like hearing myself talk'.