My parents told me to 'just pull myself up by my bootstraps.'

My boots are from Target and the straps broke two months ago.

My boss asked if I had any 'passion projects.'

Yeah, affording rent.

I've been trying to adult by following boomer advice,

but it turns out 'just start a garden' doesn't actually pay my rent.

Our CEO kept saying 'we're a family here' until I asked for a vacation day to attend my actual family's reunion

and suddenly I was 'abandoning the team'.