I finally found a dress with actual, functional pockets yesterday.

I almost didn't buy it, because I wasn't sure I was ready for that level of commitment to practicality. My phone usually just lives in my bra.

I bought a new pair of jeans that advertised 'invisible stretch technology.'

Turns out, 'invisible' just means they invisibly judge every single one of my life choices as I try to get them on.

I went to the grocery store yesterday, and the self-checkout machine started beeping at me.

I silenced it with a stern glance, then dramatically placed my final item on the scale like it was the detonator in an action movie.

I love how some guys on their dating profiles claim they're 'passionate about travel' and 'love adventure.'

Turns out 'adventure' means driving an hour to a different state's Buffalo Wild Wings.