I've started using a productivity app that tracks my daily habits and goals,

now I can officially procrastinate with data-driven precision.

I went on a date with a guy who said he was a 'minimalist'

His apartment had 12 video game consoles and a signed poster of himself

My therapist told me I needed to 'be present' and 'live in the moment.'

So now I just aggressively stare at my to-do list, convinced I'm practicing mindfulness.

I've been noticing that guys on dating apps love to say they're 'entrepreneurs'

But it's just code for 'I'm unemployed and playing video games in my mom's basement'