My friend told me to come over for a 'super casual' night, just 'sweatpants and messy bun' vibes.

And I immediately began a mental inventory of my *cute* sweatpants, whether my hair was clean enough for a *styled* messy bun, and if I had time for a quick brow gel.

I was running late for work and spilled coffee all over my shirt, so I

decided to monologue about the meaninglessness of modern life as I stood there, coffee dripping down my legs, because if I'm going to be a hot mess, I'm going to be a cinematic hot mess.

He said his ideal partner was someone 'spontaneous and adventurous,' someone who 'isn't afraid to explore new horizons.'

His entire Hinge profile was just pictures of him holding different craft beers, and the only 'new horizon' he mentioned was a new brewery opening with better parking.

My favorite pair of jeans are the ones I bought three years ago because they were 'a little loose.'

Now they require a full body exhale and a prayer to the denim gods just to get past my knees.