I've come to realize that my favorite self-care activity is

rewatching the same 10-minute skincare routine video for the 12th time, because apparently, that's what I mean by 'me time' now.

I went on a date with a guy who said he was 'really into photography'

But his Instagram was just 12 pictures of himself, and one blurry sunset

I've been swiping through dating apps, and I've noticed a pattern

Every guy is a 'serial entrepreneur' with a 'thriving business' – which is just code for 'I'm unemployed and play a lot of video games'

I don't just lose my keys in the house.

I initiate a full-blown, high-stakes search montage with dramatic flashbacks and a self-narrated internal monologue about the cruel hand of fate, before finding them exactly where I left them.