He told me he was looking for a 'low-maintenance' woman.

Honey, if 'low maintenance' means I don't need you to hang a shelf, then yes, I am *incredibly* low maintenance. Because I already bought the drill and did it myself.

I went on a date with a guy who said he was 'really into photography'

His camera roll was 90% selfies and 10% poorly lit meals

I saw a guy's social media post about 'manifesting his dreams' and 'being a go-getter'

but his LinkedIn profile says he's been a 'freelance social media consultant' for 5 years, which is just code for 'I still live with my parents'

I've started using a planner to organize my life, which is just a nice way of saying

I'm paying $20 to write down all the things I'm not going to do