Your mom asked me to whip up some eggs for breakfast this morning, but I couldn't find the whisk anywhere. I looked in every drawer and cupboard, but it was nowhere to be seen.

I guess you could say I was at my *wits* end.

My son was reading a book about volcanoes, and he came across a really interesting fact about how they erupt. He asked me if I knew how volcanoes tell secrets.

I told him they usually 'lava' to tell the truth.

I told my wife she was going to be a great musician, but she didn't believe me.

I guess you could say she was a little off-beat.

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing!