I decided to start a career in baking, but my cakes weren't rising to the occasion

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

My daughter was doing her homework and came to me complaining. She said her pencil wasn't working and she couldn't write anything.

I told her, 'Well, if it's not working, it sounds like it's pointless!'

I was trying to get my kids to eat more vegetables, so I took them to the garden to show them where they come from.

Now they're rooted in their refusal to eat them.