I got all the way to the front of the checkout line at the grocery store, and realized I'd forgotten my wallet.

I didn't apologize. I just locked eyes with the cashier, took a deep breath, and dramatically declared, 'The universe, it seems, has decided to bestow upon me a fasting day.'

I went on a first date last night, and he said he was really looking for someone 'spontaneous' and 'go-with-the-flow'.

I swear, I spent three hours before that date carefully curating the illusion of spontaneity, right down to my strategically messy hair and the 'just threw this on' outfit I spent an hour picking out.

My therapist told me I needed to 'be present' and 'live in the moment.'

So now I just aggressively stare at my to-do list, convinced I'm practicing mindfulness.

I went on a date with a guy who said he's 'really into old movies' and 'loves reading classic literature'

But when I asked him about his favorite book, he said 'uh, The Notebook' and I realized he's been getting his literary credentials from his ex's Netflix queue