I have so many side hustles now,

my tax return looks like a 'Help Wanted' sign.

My therapist told me I need to find healthy coping mechanisms.

My current one is just doomscrolling Zillow listings I can't afford.

Our CEO said we're a family here, so

I'm waiting for my vacation days to be paid in hugs and apologies for making me work on Thanksgiving.

I suggested replacing our daily stand-up meeting with a simple email update

but my manager said that would 'kill the synergy' – code for 'I love hearing myself talk'.