I bought a new pair of jeans that advertised 'invisible stretch technology.'

Turns out, 'invisible' just means they invisibly judge every single one of my life choices as I try to get them on.

My morning commute isn't just a drive to work.

It's the opening credits sequence of my own indie film, complete with a carefully curated soundtrack, intense stares into the middle distance, and every other driver is an extra in the grand narrative of my day.

He had 'Lover of good vibes and positive energy' in his Instagram bio.

His last five stories were screenshots of petty arguments in his group chat.

His dating app bio said he was an 'adventure seeker looking for his partner in crime'.

Turns out, his biggest adventure was choosing between regular and extra-spicy mayo for his chicken sandwich.