I've been taking private lessons from a professional fencer, and she's been teaching me about the importance of parrying and riposting in a tight spot.

Now I can finally score without getting caught off guard.

I've been dating a girl who's a professional dominatrix, and she's always trying to make our relationship more exciting.

But honestly, the only thing she's really dominating is my credit card.

I've been seeing a professional massage therapist to work out some knots, and she's been teaching me how to apply the right amount of pressure, get deep into the muscle, and finish with a happy ending.

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to 'take her breath away' in bed.

I said, 'Honey, I thought we agreed we were done with the chokeholds.'