I've started using a planner to organize my life, which is just a nice way of saying

I'm paying $20 to write down all the things I'm not going to do

My main character energy is so strong, if I chip a nail...

...I don't just get annoyed. I immediately cue the dramatic music and start a monologue about the fragility of perfection and the sudden, irreversible unraveling of my entire day.

His dating app bio said he was an 'adventure seeker looking for his partner in crime'.

Turns out, his biggest adventure was choosing between regular and extra-spicy mayo for his chicken sandwich.

I've been noticing a trend on dating apps

where guys list 'traveling' as a hobby, but their only photo is from a weekend in Vegas 5 years ago