My wife and I have a flawless system for deciding what to watch on TV.

I suggest five shows, she vetoes them all, and then we watch whatever she was already planning to watch.

I've always thought marriage is a lot like a co-op video game.

You start off with your own individual objectives, then you quickly realize the only way to beat the level is to combine your resources, share the loot, and occasionally sacrifice your own character for the greater good – usually by letting your partner have the last slice of pizza.

I've been thinking, what's the difference between a marriage and a game of Jenga?

In Jenga, you start with a solid foundation and take things apart, but in marriage, you start with two crazy people and try to build something that doesn't fall apart

We set a wedding budget.

Then we realized that budget was just for the napkins.