I caught my dad talking to the thermostat again

I guess you could say he's trying to have a degree of control over the conversation

I asked my dad why he still has my old report cards and sports trophies from when I was a kid, and he said

it's not that he's proud of my grades or my athletic skills, but because they're the only things I haven't borrowed money from him to pay for.

My dad's favorite Father's Day tradition is

spending the whole day in the backyard, not because he loves the family gathering, but because it's the one day a year he can use the lawn as an excuse to buy a new lawn mower.

I asked my dad what he's looking forward to most as he gets older on Father's Day, and he smiled

He said, 'being called grandpa, because that's the only time I'll be able to give advice without being asked for it.'