My girlfriend told me she wanted me to be more aggressive in bed, to really dominate her and make her feel things she'd never felt before.

I said, 'Honey, I'm flattered, but I'm a lover, not a chiropractor!'

I told my date I was a master of seduction and could make any woman swoon.

She just laughed and said I was just a bass player.

I told my new barista that I like it when she really gets in there and starts pounding and grinding, then finishes it off with a nice swirl of cream.

She just looked at me and said, 'Sir, this is a coffee shop. We just make lattes.'

My girlfriend told me she wanted to move in together to 'take our relationship to the next level.'

I said, 'Great, now you can finally see how long it takes for me to get off when I'm not faking it.'