My wife told me she was having a really tough time getting anything to stand up properly. She said she needed something big, firm, and long-lasting to really fill the void and give her the support she'd been craving.

So I bought her a new bookshelf.

My girlfriend told me she wanted a man who was good with his hands, like a carpenter.

She said I spend too much time measuring and not enough time nailing.

I've been taking private lessons from a beautiful glassblower, and she's been teaching me how to shape something delicate, get a good grip, and blow it all out of proportion.

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to make her 'scream my name' in bed.

I said, 'Okay, but only if you promise to learn it first.'