I've started using a productivity app that tracks my daily habits and goals,

now I can officially procrastinate with data-driven precision.

I was having a particularly mundane day, so I decided to spice things up

I started narrating my laundry cycle in a David Attenborough voice, and now I'm convinced my socks are on a journey of self-discovery

I went on a date with a guy who said he was a 'foodie' on his profile

But it turned out his culinary expertise was just eating an entire pizza by himself and calling it 'research'

I saw a guy's dating profile that said he was looking for a woman who could 'match his energy.'

My man, your energy is 'sweatpants and asking if I'm busy tonight at 10 PM on a Tuesday.'