I bought a new pair of jeans that advertised 'invisible stretch technology.'

Turns out, 'invisible' just means they invisibly judge every single one of my life choices as I try to get them on.

He posted a whole Instagram story about how crucial it is for men to be allies and uplift women's voices.

Then immediately slid into my DMs with 'Hey, smile more.'

He had 'Lover of good vibes and positive energy' in his Instagram bio.

His last five stories were screenshots of petty arguments in his group chat.

I bought a new pair of jeans that actually have real, functional pockets.

I've been carrying my phone, wallet, and keys in them all week, just walking around the house, marveling at the sheer novelty.