I went on a date with a guy who said he was a 'foodie' on his profile

But it turned out his culinary expertise was just eating an entire pizza by himself and calling it 'research'

I've started using a mindfulness app to help me stay focused throughout the day

Now I'm just mindfully aware of how much I'm procrastinating

He had 'Lover of good vibes and positive energy' in his Instagram bio.

His last five stories were screenshots of petty arguments in his group chat.

My phone battery hit 5% this morning, and I'm not going to lie, I felt the world dramatically slow down.

I paused, looked around, and thought, 'This is it. This is the third act twist. Who knew my epic journey would end with a dead phone and no Instagram?'