I was at the post office sending a package,

but I didn't just mail it, I 'released it into the universe, letting go of the past and embracing the uncertainty of its journey, as the soundtrack of my life swelled in the background'.

I've been swiping through dating apps, and I've noticed a pattern

Every guy is a 'serial entrepreneur' with a 'thriving business' – which is just code for 'I'm unemployed and play a lot of video games'

My cat just knocked over a vase and shattered it on the floor.

I immediately started narrating the scene in my head, a detached, melancholic voice-over, musing on the fragility of beauty and the chaos of existence, as if I were in a French art house film.

My male colleague just got promoted for 'seeing the big picture' and being a 'strategic thinker.'

I'm still trying to figure out how to put 'remembered everyone's birthdays AND organized the entire company potluck' on my performance review.