I matched with a guy on a dating app whose bio said he was looking for 'someone who can keep up'.

My main hobbies are doomscrolling and wondering if I locked the front door. I think I'm gonna need a head start.

He had 'Lover of good vibes and positive energy' in his Instagram bio.

His last five stories were screenshots of petty arguments in his group chat.

I'm trying to be more spontaneous in my dating life.

Last week, I spent three hours spontaneously overthinking whether I should text him back immediately or wait a strategic 23 minutes.

My cat just knocked over a vase and shattered it on the floor.

I immediately started narrating the scene in my head, a detached, melancholic voice-over, musing on the fragility of beauty and the chaos of existence, as if I were in a French art house film.