I went on a date with a guy who claimed he was a 'free spirit' on his profile

Turns out, that just means he's 30 and still living with his parents

I was trying to open a jar of pickles yesterday, and it just wouldn't budge.

I didn't just struggle; I dropped to my knees, looked up at the ceiling, and delivered a full Shakespearean monologue about the futility of human endeavor against the unyielding forces of the universe, all to the backdrop of a soaring orchestral score only I could hear.

I've started to think that my wardrobe is 90% clothes I've kept because they still have the tags on

and 10% clothes I've actually worn, but I'm holding onto the tags as proof that I didn't just buy them to impress myself

My main character energy is so potent, that when my Wi-Fi went out this morning...

...I didn't just troubleshoot it. I paced dramatically, stared out the window with a pensive expression, and waited for the inspiring background music to kick in so I could have my 'aha!' moment.