My therapist asked me what my five-year plan was.

I told her, 'Survive and maybe afford therapy for another five years?'

My therapist told me I need to 'sit with my emotions.'

I told her I already did that all weekend, staring at my phone and doomscrolling.

My therapist asked me what my biggest fantasy was.

I told her: a 40-hour work week.

I asked my manager if I could stop coming to meetings that could've been emails, and they said

it's about 'being present' and 'synergy' – code for 'I don't trust you to actually read the email'.