I took my cat to the vet, and they said it was having some vision problems.

I guess you could say it was having a paws-itive correlation between its eyesight and its purr-manent blindness.

I told my kids we were going to a grape concert tonight

They weren't amused, but I thought it was a crushing success

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

I'm addicted to placebos — I could quit, but it wouldn't make a difference.