I've been trying to adult by creating a budget and tracking my expenses, but

it turns out I've just been categorizing my anxiety into different spreadsheet columns.

I was at the grocery store, dramatically monologuing to myself about the meaning of life in the cereal aisle

when I realized I was just trying to decide between Corn Flakes and Rice Krispies

I was parallel parking yesterday, which, for me, is usually a low-stakes exercise in mild panic.

But with my main character energy, I reversed so slowly and deliberately, eyes narrowed, as if I were a master spy expertly maneuvering a getaway vehicle to a dramatic orchestral score only I could hear.

I've been noticing that guys on dating apps love to brag about being 'dog dads'

but their idea of 'parenting' is just posting a cousin's dog on their profile