My new dry shampoo promised to give me 'effortless volume.'

And by 'effortless,' they apparently meant 20 minutes of strategic spraying, head flipping, and frantic finger-combing to achieve that perfect 'just rolled out of bed, but in a cute way' vibe.

My main character energy is so strong, if I chip a nail...

...I don't just get annoyed. I immediately cue the dramatic music and start a monologue about the fragility of perfection and the sudden, irreversible unraveling of my entire day.

Some guys on dating apps say they want an 'independent woman.'

What they actually mean is 'a woman who doesn't *need* anything from me, but is always available for me.'

I matched with a guy on a dating app who claimed to be a 'free spirit' with a 'passion for adventure'

But his Instagram stories were just 12 consecutive posts of him eating the same breakfast burrito at his desk