I was at the grocery store, dramatically navigating the cereal aisle

when I realized I was narrating my own life in a Morgan Freeman voice, 'And so, she reached for the oatmeal, a choice that would change her day forever'

I went on a date with a guy who said he was 'really into personal growth' and 'loves self-improvement books'

But his favorite author was his ex's therapist

My date told me he loved how 'effortless' I looked.

I almost choked on my perfectly-crafted oat milk latte, knowing my 'effortless' bun took three attempts, a handful of bobby pins, and a silent internal scream.

I've started using a meditation app to help me relax before bed

Now I'm just competitive about how well I can relax, and I'm pretty sure that defeats the purpose