My favorite pair of jeans are the ones I bought three years ago because they were 'a little loose.'

Now they require a full body exhale and a prayer to the denim gods just to get past my knees.

I was running errands the other day

and I narrated my entire trip to the post office in a David Attenborough voice, because even mailing a package can be a wildlife documentary if you commit to it

He told me he was looking for a woman with a 'great sense of humor' on his dating profile.

Turns out that just meant someone who laughs at all his *okay* jokes.

I saw a guy's dating profile that said he's a 'free spirit' who 'lives in the moment'

But his bio was 500 words long and included a meticulously curated list of his favorite hikes and craft beers