He told me he was an 'alpha male' who 'takes charge' and 'knows what he wants.'

Then spent ten minutes asking his phone what the weather was like tomorrow.

I went on a date with a guy who said he was a 'minimalist'

His apartment had 12 video game consoles and a signed poster of himself

I spilled a tiny drop of coffee on my white shirt this morning.

I immediately pulled out my phone, composed myself, and filmed a dramatic monologue about the fragility of perfection, which I'm planning to submit to Sundance.

My main character energy is so strong, if I chip a nail...

...I don't just get annoyed. I immediately cue the dramatic music and start a monologue about the fragility of perfection and the sudden, irreversible unraveling of my entire day.