What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

I tried to start a career as a beekeeper, but it wasn't going well.

I guess you could say I wasn't the 'bee's knees' at it.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

I was at the park with my kids, and we saw a guy playing fetch with his dog. The dog was really fast and could catch the ball in mid-air. I was impressed and asked the owner how he trained his dog to be so agile.

He said it was a paws-itive reinforcement