I was running late for work and spilled coffee all over my shirt

So I declared, 'It's not a stain, it's a metaphor for the chaos that is my life,' and walked into the office like I was accepting an Oscar

I was struggling to open a really stubborn jar of pickles the other day.

And I swear, I heard a dramatic cello score kick in as I narrowed my eyes, gripped the lid, and whispered, 'It’s just you and me now, pal. Don't think I'll break.'

I went on a date with a guy who claimed to be a 'feminist'

but his podcast playlist was just 12 hours of Joe Rogan

His dating profile said he was looking for a woman with a 'great sense of humor.'

Turns out, 'great sense of humor' just meant 'someone who thinks *his* jokes are hilarious, no matter what.'