I'm considering buying a house, but the prices are outrageous

I've got a better chance of winning the lottery than getting a mortgage with a payment that doesn't require a second job... or a second lottery win

My therapist asked if I did my journaling homework.

I said, 'Yes, I journaled about how I didn't want to do my journaling homework.'

My boss told us 'we're a family here,'

which is why I'm always guilt-tripped into doing extra work and can never afford to move out.

My financial advisor asked me about my long-term investments.

I told him, 'My houseplants. They're the only thing in my life consistently showing growth.'