I'm addicted to placebos — I could quit, but it wouldn't make a difference.

What do you call a belt made of watches?

A waist of time.

My daughter was doing her homework and came to me complaining. She said her pencil wasn't working and she couldn't write anything.

I told her, 'Well, if it's not working, it sounds like it's pointless!'

What's a vampire's favorite fruit?

A neck-tarine!