So I was at the park with my kids, and we saw a guy playing fetch with his dog, but the dog wasn't bringing the ball back. Instead, it was just running around in circles, looking really confused. The owner was getting frustrated, so I decided to ask him what was wrong

and he said his dog was paws-itive it was a fetch-failure

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down

I told my wife she was going to start a tree-mendous gardening career

but she just wanted to branch out and try something new

Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged