I asked my manager why our meeting couldn't have been an email

And they said 'because then we wouldn't have had the opportunity to synergize our thought processes and disrupt the paradigm of traditional communication'

My parents asked if I'm saving for a down payment.

I told them I'm saving for the societal collapse – feels more realistic.

I've been doing the work in therapy to improve my attachment style

Now I'm just aggressively attached to my couch and refusal to commit to anything else

My boomer parents told me to invest in real estate.

Now my single houseplant counts as my entire property portfolio.