I lost my keys this morning and was running frantically late.

But instead of panicking, I just stood perfectly still, closed my eyes, and waited for the slow-motion flashback to reveal where I'd left them. It worked, almost too well.

I've been noticing that guys on dating apps love to brag about being 'dog dads'

but their idea of 'parenting' is just posting a cousin's dog on their profile

I was at the grocery store, buying avocados for my toast, and I thought to myself

I'm not just purchasing produce, I'm making a poignant statement about the fleeting nature of millennial trends, and the camera pans out as I dramatically declare, 'I'll take a dozen, and a side of existential dread.'

My male friends can leave the house in five minutes flat.

I need five minutes just to locate my 'everyday' purse, which usually contains a rogue earring, three different chapsticks, and the entire emotional baggage of my 20s.