I was running errands the other day

and I narrated my entire trip to the post office in a David Attenborough voice, because even mailing a package can be a wildlife documentary if you commit to it

My friend just got new bangs and asked me if they made her look younger.

I took a deep breath, calculated the optimal response time between 'immediate enthusiastic lie' and 'brutal honesty that ends a friendship,' and finally said, 'They definitely... *frame your face*!'

I saw a guy's Instagram story where he posted a photo of his homemade breakfast with the caption 'cooking for one'

which is just code for 'I'm trying to convince you I'm a functioning adult but really I just microwaved an egg'

I've been trying to adult by creating a budget and tracking my expenses, but

it turns out I've just been categorizing my anxiety into different spreadsheet columns.