I was at the grocery store, dramatically navigating the cereal aisle

when I realized I was narrating my own life in a Morgan Freeman voice, 'And so, she reached for the oatmeal, a choice that would change her day forever'

I went to the grocery store to pick up some milk, but as I was walking down the aisle, I felt the urge to add some flair to my shopping experience.

So, I started voicing my inner monologue out loud, 'I'll just grab this gallon of 2%... the choice of a woman who's given up on love, but still holds on to hope... and also needs cereal for the week.'

I've started using a habit-tracking app to monitor my daily routine

Now I'm not just procrastinating, I'm also collecting data on how good I am at procrastinating

He said on his dating app bio that he was 'tired of the games' and 'ready for something real.'

Then his opening message was 'You up?' with a GIF of a dog wearing sunglasses.