My phone just prompted me to 'Clear tabs and free up space.'

And I thought, 'Honey, if you could see the tabs open in my *brain* right now, you'd just give up and restart.'

His dating app bio said he was an 'adventure seeker looking for his partner in crime'.

Turns out, his biggest adventure was choosing between regular and extra-spicy mayo for his chicken sandwich.

He told me he was 'super busy' and 'just couldn't commit to anything serious right now.'

But judging by his Instagram stories, he seemed to have plenty of time to perfectly arrange six different artisanal cheeses on a charcuterie board for himself.

I was having a particularly mundane day, so I decided to spice things up

I started narrating my trip to the DMV, complete with a dramatic voiceover and an imaginary film score – 'As she waited in line, the clock ticked away, each passing minute a reminder that her destiny was being held hostage by a bureaucratic abyss'