I suggested replacing our daily stand-up meeting with a simple email update, but my manager said

that would ruin the 'synergy' of watching each other drink coffee for 15 minutes

My CEO just told everyone, 'We're a family here!'

I immediately checked my organ donor status.

My therapist told me I need healthier coping mechanisms.

So I started doom-scrolling for articles about healthy coping mechanisms.

Our CEO kept saying 'we're a family here' until I asked for a vacation day to attend my actual family's reunion

and suddenly I was 'abandoning the team'.