I've started using a productivity app that tracks my daily habits and goals, and it's been really helpful, except for one thing:

it still can't account for the 3 hours I spend each day mentally rehearsing conversations I'll never actually have.

I was running late for work and spilled coffee all over my shirt

So I declared, 'It's not a stain, it's a metaphor for the chaos that is my life,' and walked into the office like I was accepting an Oscar

My last breakup was a real cinematic masterpiece.

I had the dramatic monologue, the slow-motion walk away, and even waited for the rain. But then my ex yelled, 'You forgot your reusable water bottle!' and completely ruined the mood.

This dude on Hinge listed his biggest red flag as 'drama queens.'

His entire profile was basically a subtweet manifesto about exes and 'toxic people.'