My parents asked if I'm saving for a down payment.

I told them I'm saving for the societal collapse – feels more realistic.

My boss told me to 'leverage my personal brand' to help the company grow.

I told him my personal brand is 'exhausted and questioning everything'.

I finally finished my masterpiece.

It's a spreadsheet tracking all my subscription services.

I suggested replacing our daily stand-up meeting with a simple email update

but my manager said that would 'kill the synergy' – code for 'I love hearing myself talk'.