I went on a date with a guy who claimed he was a 'free spirit' on his profile

Turns out, that just means he's 30 and still living with his parents

I just spent 20 minutes staring blankly at my fridge.

Not because I was hungry, but because I was calculating the optimal day to buy groceries based on expiring coupons, my work schedule, and the lunar cycle.

I saw a guy's Instagram story where he called himself a 'free spirit'

but his posts were just 12 identical pictures of his beard from different angles

My friend just described herself as 'low-maintenance' because she only buys one type of moisturizer.

And I thought, 'Honey, I just spent ten minutes deciding if my bra straps were visible enough to be an accessory or an oversight. That's *my* version of 'just rolling out of bed'.'