I've got three side hustles just to afford my main job's commute.

I suggested replacing our daily stand-up meeting with a simple email update, but my manager said

that wouldn't be 'collaborative' – code for 'I like hearing myself talk'.

My mom keeps telling me to 'just buy a starter home.'

I told her the only starter home I can afford is the one in Monopoly.

My manager told me to 'optimize my passion' for the company.

But honestly, my only passion right now is optimizing my sleep schedule.