I spent an hour perfecting my 'just rolled out of bed' look this morning.

My coworker said, 'Wow, you look so refreshed, like you barely tried!' And honestly, that's the highest compliment a woman can get.

I went on a date with a guy who said he was 'really into photography'

But his Instagram was just 12 pictures of himself, and one blurry sunset

I've started using a productivity app that tracks my daily habits and goals,

now I can officially procrastinate with data-driven precision.

I don't just lose my keys in the house.

I initiate a full-blown, high-stakes search montage with dramatic flashbacks and a self-narrated internal monologue about the cruel hand of fate, before finding them exactly where I left them.