I'm trying to be more spontaneous in my dating life.

Last week, I spent three hours spontaneously overthinking whether I should text him back immediately or wait a strategic 23 minutes.

He told me he prefers women who aren't 'too high-maintenance.'

Honey, I just spent ten minutes trying to peel a hair tie off my wrist without taking off my watch. We are barely maintaining.

I saw a guy's Instagram story where he posted a photo of his homemade breakfast with the caption 'cooking for one'

which is just code for 'I'm trying to convince you I'm a functioning adult but really I just microwaved an egg'

I finally blocked out an hour for 'self-care' last night.

I spent 15 minutes trying to find the right guided meditation on YouTube, 20 minutes wondering if my face mask was expired, and the last 25 minutes stress-cleaning my bathroom before I could relax.